What It’s Like…Pushing Through my Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (Chapter 2)

TW: Discussion/Mentions of Depression, Suicide, Eating Disorders and Anxiety

November 1st, 2021

It is November 1st, 2021 and I’m on the edge of a breakdown.

I don’t think I’ve felt this out of touch with my emotions in this long. I’m in lab and I find myself trying to be this version of myself that is considered normal by most standards when that is not a word I currently have access to.

Writing out my feelings is tiring. I keep clicking different tabs, mindlessly scrolling through twitter and the news, and then coming back to this blog.

I feel like everyone around me is judging me. I’ve been on the verge of crying non-stop for the past 5 hours. I ate two chocolate chip cookies and I don’t remember that last time I even had the urge to eat a chocolate chip cookie. I found myself feeling restless, my sleeping pattern already shifting and with anxiety inducing nightmares that make me feel like choosing to go sleep was a punishment I deserve. I feel so unstable and I want to avoid going to the gym tonight but I know if I don’t work out, I’ve let this thing win, so I have to go.

I feel like i’m falling apart mentally. The intuitive thoughts keep getting worse. I don’t want to actually kill myself. I don’t want to die. I really don’t want to, but I just see different ideas and ways that I could. I’ll never actually act on them but there’s this hollowness i’m feeling that makes me feel so lonely and empty that made not existing anymore might be the right choice. I don’t know how much longer I can deal with this. I’ve never been more excited for a doctors appointment. I don’t care how terrified and how painful my Pap smear is about to be, or whatever blood tests are about to take place. I could care less about it all. I just want an answer.

Please, someone get me a doctors appointment so I can start to heal my body please.

December 20th, 2021.

It has over a month since I first started to write this blog post. It has frankly been a very difficult and introspective time for myself. I honestly contemplated not even “writing” this blog. That instead of trying to consolidate what is really a stream of consciousness combined with a structured story in the form of writing, I’d speak it out loud. But in reality, even speaking out loud, being honest to myself about how hard but also life changing this month in, I didn’t want the world to see me break down on camera.

Because the last time I broke down in public I got harassed by a bunch of people anonymously and mistreated and gaslighted by people I worked with (hi uchicago secrets and student government, you owe me my first year of therapy).

Soooo instead of adding more to my General Anxiety disorder (yup, new development on that front but as my lovely friend Lisa correctly points out, not really a new development) in doing a vlog, I’ve finally come to a point (on four hours of sleep and continued anxiety because omicron, living with parents and trying to find a rapid test so I can feel comfortable being in the same room as my parents again) where I can finally write out chapter two in this journey.

As of December 20th, I’ve had about 5 different doctors appointments, had my second pap smear and got through it (even though I was still on the verge of crying ) and was officially diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

As I’ve mentioned in my previous blog, not everything we see online is true and we should trust. However, sometimes the internet, despite her weirdness, can be really good and for me it was. The internet and people telling their stories helped me to find out about PMDD and ultimately have an answer to what has felt an endless time of suffering.

Suffering. It’s been really hard writing this blog and talking about what I’ve been going through. Not simply because writing it out or doing it in a video format was hard, there’s simply just been so much happening in my life. I was preparing for my first ever science conference where I got to present my research and start meeting with MSTP admission officers (which was a very intense but absolutely amazing experience—thank you again ABRCMS). In between that, I’m still working a full time job as a junior specialist in my lab, aka baby scientist in training. I was in the middle of studying for my organic chemistry midterm and final exams, and ulitamately, still trying to balance all the responsibilities of being an adult woman in a city that i’m still learning to get around in. And don’t get me wrong, I love all of these things and as I tell my PI every meeting because it is true, I am so lucky and appreciative of the opportunity that I have to be in SF and do things that I’ve never done before and never thought I could do. But that doesn’t mean that doing the things I love doesn’t drain you at the end of the day..

And this is really where the trigger warning I gave at the beginning of this blog really applies, the biggest reason i’ve hard a hard time writing this blog because it has been extremely hard/scary to confront the many dark thoughts that have crowded my mind.

I’ve found myself in one of the lowest places of my life in November. I was extremely depressed, found myself feeling restless/unable to sleep well, my anxiety and intrusive thoughts kept pushing me over the edge, finding comfort in food and literally being in a battle with eating disorder habits that I’m recovering from and of course, the suicidal ideation and the numbness returned.

I felt so, foreign, in my own body and I felt like I was losing myself. I still very much suffer from depression outside of ovulation phase and I’ve been pretty open about this to people, but this level of depression and anxiety was uniquely worse during this ovulation. I even noticed that it was impacting relationships I had with my friends and I share a lot of things with my friends already, but I didn’t want to also drop the really dark things that I was going through on them.

But yeah, I was really struggling. So to finally having an answer to why for nearly 2-3 weeks of the month I felt unstable was amazing.

Now, I also want to quickly acknowledge the financial and medical privilege I currently have for the first time in my life that definitely helped me find and begin a plan to help treat my PMDD. Working in my lab has allowed me to have really great health insurance, access to medical care that doesn’t hurt my bank account, and able to afford the medications that are slowly helping me treat my PMDD. I honestly let myself suffer and ignored my symptoms for so long because frankly, I didn’t have an health insurance plan pre-august that has given me the support I have now. So i’m grateful for that but it’s a privilege and I hope for a future where if someone feels like there is something wrong with their body, they can have access to healthcare to find a solution to that problem and that it doesn’t break the bank.

So yes, to the big question that’s probably been on everyone’s mind? How am I currently treating my PMDD?

Well, first thing first. This is what my doctor and I agreed on and is currently helping me. The solutions i’m using may not work for everyone so if you are dealing with PMDD, make sure you consult with your doctor and especially yourself. Even if there is a solution/cure to something you have, if you don’t feel comfortable with it, express and be open and many times, there are alternatives to help.

Currently, I’m on birth control and also on SSRIs aka anti-depressants. I first started off with birth control, specifically since my PMDD symptoms began when I was ovulating and with my birth control, I’m no longer going through that ovulating process that is causing me to have this mood and hormonal imbalance that has made me feel the way I’ve felt. Anti-depressants are often also used to help manage PMDD, especially the mood swings and depressive thoughts, though if I wasn’t on birth control, I’d still experience my ovulation period and even with the anti-depressants, still likely feel the impact of my PMDD symptoms. My anti-depressants have also been helpful for me, not only for my PMDD, but to also manage my anxiety and depression. Because even if i’m not ovulating and having a normal period, I know for me I’m currently at a point where I need some support mental health wise in general.

I stated my anti-depressants a couple of days ago and I’ve been through almost my first month of birth control. I do feel better and more stable than I have in awhile (despite my anxiety by omicron but hey, just more collective trauma we all share). I’ve definitely had some side effects from them, including hormonal acne which hasn’t been great for my self esteem but we’re hope she stabilizes. I’ve had a couple other symptoms but they’ve been really quick. It’s still really hard and sometimes I weirdly feel less of a “Woman” or a person in general, that I have to rely on pills to help keep me and my brain stable, but honestly, it’s been also really eye opening for me and comforting, especially as someone who has always been cautious and resistant to medications.

I’ve also been doing things to continue to manage my PMDD outside of birth control and my SSRI. I’m doing my best to stay active and workout for at least 30 minutes 3-4 times a week (that number is usually higher but I think the general way i’m thinking about health and working out is just making sure i’m moving). During this break, I’m really excited to spend some more time reading again. I brought home 4 books and I can’t wait to read them. Journaling and writing are also things I’m doing. Writing, as you can tell, is a major part and will always be a major part of my life and i’m so lucky to have found an outlet that has kept me sane and able to express things and also try to be positive. I’ve also even started to do mediate and take time to be more mindful of my emotions , my heart rate and to do my best to relax and get a good night of sleep.

Some nights are still really difficult. No doubt.

I mean, it took me almost two months to write this so early things have been difficult. But it’s also been nice to finally find peace with myself again.

I don’t know if PMDD is something that can be cured. I do sometimes worry that I’ll have to rely on medications for such a long time in my life. But once again, medications are there to help me and support me. If I ever come to a place and time with my PMDD where I feel like I can rely on non-medicative actions to help manage it, yeah, I’ll do so. But I’m going to do my best to not rush that process.

My PMDD is simply just a part of my life, just like my depression and my anxiety. Just another crossword I’ll eventually solve and move on to the next one.