What It’s Like… learning to walk away

Sometimes I go through my twitter feed and I wonder if the world is just truly absent of kindness. That empathy and goodness and basic morals and care for people is just a thing of the past. As i’ve been reflecting on some past trauma, because that’s what you do during the holidays, I’ve come to realize that mindset is wrong. Empathy, goodness, kindness, it does exist. I have so many people in my life who embody this, I mean, if I didn’t, then my close friend story on instagram wouldn’t be the size it is, and my blocklist on my social media would be much larger than it is.

So what’s the problem with the world? Well, there are a lot of problems. But for this topic specifically, it’s that people expect that kind people will not break under any circumstance. That we can take psychological abuse, manipulation, gaslighting and deal with it—because we have before and our desire to care and help others can trump these things. For a time in my life, essentially my whole life up until very recently, yes, that was the case. That I was constantly the sub to an manipulative dominate, because when i’ve stood up to dominates in the past, it just made things worse and finding mediation and compromise was the best solution. It made everyone happy, even when I wasn’t. Cue, excess amount of crying, self-doubt, a growing anxiety disorder and a fear of disappointing others.

But in any relationship, friendship, romantic, work, or with self, you are allowed to say no. You are allowed to put your foot down. Denying people the ability to continue to abuse you isn’t you being selfish, nor should you ever feel guilty about doing so.

I wasn’t brave enough to do that. So instead, I just let this happen.

the line is ringing. god, this was a mistake I should just hang up. the line is ringing still. should I hang up? it’s on ring number three. okay, okay, okay they’re not going to answer so i’ll be in the clear. ring number f-

“Hello?” fuck.

“h-hey”. really? really? we’re not even two seconds into this damn call and I already sound weak.

“What’s up?” I think they’re trying to mess with me.

“well, um, yeah, thank you for answering,” why am I thanking them we literally had this call scheduled “we just have some things to talk about.”

“Yeah, oh right, apologizes I totally forgot we were meeting today.” and every other time we’ve had to meet

“is this still a good time?” why am I trying to be nice? they filled out the doodle and I sent an email reminder about this call two days ago.

“Yeah, yeah of course, let me go in the other room.” don’t say anything nice, don’t give them a pass, don’t do it.

“Yeah sounds good.” i’m really failing my therapist today.

god their floorboards creek so loud. they’ve definitely moved around in meetings before. how have I never processed this? and the excessive door slam to top it off, god, this bitch.

"Alright, sorry about that, so yeah let’s talk.” no, no, no. no. I’m not letting you take control of this conversation. Not this time.

“We have to talk about what happened in last week’s meeting.” there is no reason my heart should be beating like this.

“Okay, what about it?” are you fucking serious? good, they literally don’t think they did anything wrong. like, they really don’t.

“well, look, um, I understand that things have been very stressful. it’s been stressful for all of us but the way you talked to me on the call wasn’t really—um, like I just didn’t like it.” why am I toning this down? it was such a terrible meeting and everyone was shocked at their tone.

“No, yeah totally.” that’s all you can say? seriously?

“No, but like, seriously. This isn’t the first time this has happened.” Good.

“Look, I was having a rough day and I didn’t mean to get you. I didn’t mean to offend you.” and there we go.

“But like I said, this literally isn’t the first time we’ve had this conversation. We were all having a rough day but this isn’t simply about offending-”

“Oh hang on, sorry I scheduled the repair man to come in today and they’re calling.” i’m on hold? are you fucking kidding me? I swear i’m about to-

“Okay, hey they are here early, can we reschedule this?” no.

“w-um, yeah. yeah, let’s reschedule.”

“Okay great i’ll text you later, thanks.”

yeah, no problem.

No. It’s a problem. A problem you are entitled to address, fix and if they won’t do the work to do so, you’re allowed to break that relationship. Because making others happy at the expensive of your own happiness isn’t worth it. That level of selflessness, it’s a very beautiful thing so don’t let go of it.

But not at the cost of your own happiness.

“Hey, did you call back by-

“We have to talk about this now. I’m not waiting.”