What It’s Like…. How I’m Feeling

Today, I finally let myself break.

I’m surrounded by white walls every where I go. From my bedroom, to my lab, to science, to my career. There are walls around me and because I’m supposed to be resilient, I’m supposed to be able to break through them. I’ve been able to hold them back, those white walls. Those empty white walls that are decorated in all of the things that I fear most about this process we call being a pre-med.

I knew that at some point the walls would attempt to consume me as my strength weakened, but I’d view the wall as gentle as an eyelash, and simply blow it away and regain my sight.

Today, the walls were not as gentle as an eyelash, nor as delicate as glass. The walls barely had any cracks in them, nevertheless a hairline fracture. They were sturdy, tough and violent.

Because they were mearly  a facade, a distraction. The walls were only made to amplify the thoughts I did my best to bury away. Those thoughts, that sense of fear, anger, hate..pain. They’re always there, ready to speak, but I’ve trained myself to prevent their echoes when I’m alone in between these white walls.

But not today. The echoes of those thoughts were louder than ever. The words that I was supposed to focus on were clouded by the words I tried to lock away. I could only see my nightmares.  Peace was no longer something I could connect with. I kept walking in circles trying to shake those feelings off but everything kept getting louder. Everything felt like it was caving in and I knew that the only way I was going to free myself was to let those thoughts run but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to accept those thoughts and the feelings that come with it. I didn’t have time to, I don’t have time to. I have too much to do.

Pleading, I made one last journey to find balance again. My mind was still spinning and the words were still swirling in my head.  But I was still holding on strong, I wasn’t breaking. I was steady.

And then I wasn’t.

In my head, I was screaming at those white walls. In reality, it’s 1:38 pm and I’m sitting in my friend’s lab, sobbing into her pink sweater because I’m so scared about my future.

And whether or not I’ll have one.