What It’s Like… being black in STEM

I want to go to medical school.

I want to graduate with an MD/Ph.D. in Immunology

I want to work in STEM and inspire others. 

So why don’t I or why don’t I believe I can?

Last week, I found out I failed my biology midterm. I’ve been through the 5 stages of grief and I am ready to move on and just do better in that class, now that I know how to study for biology and have reviewed the questions. However, this midterm for some reason felt different and it’s not because of the score, but it’s reaction that I got from my TA’s and Professor  that maybe I’m overthinking—but maybe I’m not. 

At the University of Chicago, when you look at the Immunology Department, there is not one black male/female or non-binary individual on the department website as a doctor(MD)/professor/Ph.D listed as faculty.  

Not one. 

A study conducted by Paula S Ramos, Andrew M Shedlock, and Carl D Langefeld determined that Autoimmune Disorders (ADs) “exhibit gender and ethnic disparities” and that African Americans are at higher risk than European Americans for “systemic lupus erythematosus and scleroderma (systemic sclerosis), which they tend to develop earlier in life and experience more severe disease”. Many other ADs or immune-based disorders have a higher prevalence in minority communities, and higher in women as well. This is the field I want to enter. A field where many of the diseases that I would want to study—and hopefully with an amazing team and history behind me, be able to cure—affect a demographic of people that look like me. 

So why am I telling you this and why am I wasting time writing a blog post when I could and should be doing my readings for other classes, studying for biology or preparing/editing my scholarship essays. It’s because those facts matter to me greatly and is why this test—for lack of better words— hit different. 

After I failed my test, firstly, I cried my eyes out and complained to my friends and family and literally said I was giving up on pre-med, because I was sick of not getting good test scores in my STEM classes and feeling like I wasn’t good enough for STEM.  After I calmed myself down and came to reality, I emailed my TA’s and asked them what to do, my passion for biology and the feelings I had after seeing my score, expressing hard I worked. For the first time in a year, I fell in love with biology again and even more so, felt really excited and even confident in an exam. So to see that score with that the growth I’ve had in the past year crushed me. 

The first response I got felt a bit comforting: focus on doing well on the final since that matters way more than the midterm will.  However, I still thought about the personal growth I had in biology and how I finally felt I learned how to study and feeling (and then getting the test back and confirming my thoughts) that I really did know the material and maybe the wording of the questions messed me up. As a result, I asked for any advice for preparing and any additional study materials and practice questions that they could provide or link me to.  That response didn’t make me feel all the greatest. Essentially, I was told I need to know the material and the mechanisms and apart from the one practice test, there wasn’t any other material they can give to help. 

When I got back my midterm and went over it with my friends and my TA, I clearly knew the material and really did understand the content, but I needed more practice with answering questions to make sure that I’m hitting the specific terminology they want and writing in a structure that they want and expect, and most importantly, recognize the key words in the questions that may cause me to answer the question and include an additional detail to help give me the full points. So all and all, I needed more practice. I just need more practice questions to help me apply the content I’m learning. So I asked my TA’s again if there are any places to find practice questions to help me. Nothing. Just need to make sure I understand the material. That’s all. For some reason though, that didn’t feel enough. 

So I went to the professor. I asked the same question. Even if I wasn’t going to get anymore help, I wanted the professor know that I was trying and that I care and that I am doing better and doing things to do better. Instead, he called me an idiot without saying the world. He told me that he gave me the practice test, 4 questions, each with 3 parts. That’s 12 questions. He asked me how much more practice do I need? I remained silent and played with my fingers. He asked if I am going to the TA review sessions and I nodded and said yes. He stared at me with such an expression of confusion and stated there is not much else they can give me. I nodded my head and told him I appreciated his help. 

I walked out of his office, ran to my friends and cried. Cried for failing the test, cried for not knowing the material well enough, cried for the black girl who sat in the front row her biology class of 30 who went into this year with the goal of doing better and feeling like she finally found her place, even in a classroom where there is no one else that looks like her—and feeling like she had failed. 

I’m not calling my TA’s or professors racist or biased or prejudice or anything. Trust me, because I’ve had those types of TA’s and professors before and I know what those are like. But I can’t help but wonder they think of me. I can’t help but wonder if they are asking, ‘why is she even in this class if she can’t even pass a simple test’? I can’t help but feel judged, feel looked down upon, feel inadequate. 

I can’t help but feel like just another black person in STEM and wonder whether these dreams I have are truly attainable, because sometimes it just feels impossible.